Case 07: The Portrait of a Lily (4)

The sudden disappearance of the student council president: It caused a panic in the school, and a missing person report was immediately filed with the police. Every nook and cranny of the school was searched, and I think the whole town was abuzz with commotion for a while. It was probably related to the fact with the fact that Senpai’s deceased father was a famous businessman who had been donating a lot of money to the school. The school went to extraordinary lengths to try and find her. However, a month passed with no sign of Senpai’s whereabouts. There was a rumor saying she committed suicide, but I didn’t know what it was based on, and from having known Senpai up close, albeit for a short time, I didn’t believe it so easily. She definitely said she wanted to erase herself – but I couldn’t help but feel that the word ‘suicide’ didn’t fit Senpai. She had a strong grasp on everything from where she stood, and a strong will to accomplish her goals.

Most people, including myself, can only see what lies in front of us, what is right next to us, and our own footprints etched behind us. However, I felt that Senpai was always gazing alone at something that lay far beyond in the distance. She had a kind of solitude that was similar to enlightenment, as if she was looking down on everything alone from a position much higher up than the clouds or the sky. For that reason, I felt that her actions would not be meaningless. The beauty of her actions would be noticed by many people only after viewing the record of her chess moves – is the image I had which was hard to erase. That was precisely why, no matter what, I couldn’t believe the rumor of Senpai ending her own life.

However, even after two months had passed, Senpai still didn’t appear anywhere.

And, as if becoming bound to Senpai’s words, my feet receded from the club room.

I couldn’t believe that Senpai was dead, but I also couldn’t feel her presence in this world – It was hard to explain this strange feeling. It was as if she was right by my side, but I also felt that I would never meet her again. At any rate, I stopped chanting the ‘good luck charm’ that Senpai had taught me, and before I knew it, I was no longer seeing strange phenomena.

And it was probably around this time, when…

The auras of people which had tormented me so much, disappeared entirely from my sight. It was as if Senpai had taken away all my mysteries, and the world became inorganic. It was not something I could immediately get used to, since I was used to seeing auras since I was a child -- but gradually, I began to distinguish people by their faces. It felt so refreshing, as if I had been reborn.

The seasons changed from winter, to spring—

I moved on to my second year of high school. Takamura-san’s class graduated, and it seemed everyone finally accepted Ayana Takamura’s disappearance. The school had been dark and depressed for a long time, as if it had lost its sun, but as if it was all swept away with the emergence of the cherry blossoms and the freshness of the new students, it was beginning to regain its peace.

But since then, strange rumors started being whispered in secret.

“Last night, I saw Takamura-senpai.”

Such rumors began swirling simultaneously everywhere.

There were many rumors, like someone who saw a shadow looking their way through the library window, or seeing a figure walking up the stairs of the school building, and it even involved a teacher who suddenly gazed somewhere and blurted out: "Huh? Is that you, Takamura?”

It was probably the numerous rumors that spurred me to do it.

On a certain day after school – I proceeded to the literature club for the first time in six months.

I opened the door with a spare key and at the same time, a nostalgic feeling poured out from within.

Nothing had changed.

Takamu-san’s scent still lingered everywhere, and the bookcase, table, and cabinet with the tea set were still there.

On a narrow vase by the window-side, there was a single flower, a lily.

It was, a black lily.

It was like Senpai: a lonely, solitary and beautiful lily.

The moment I saw that, I sensed a large void unfold in my heart. I felt like I wanted to cry, yet no tears welled up in my eyes, nothing but the wind swept through the sudden void in my heart.

Just beyond the window, the branches of a cherry tree grew in luxuriant abundance, swaying gently in the spring breeze.

The wind shaped itself in a spiral, causing the cherry blossoms to flutter in the air.

It made me realize that even if I didn't like it, the seasons were changing.

And it indicated that I alone remained left behind in the season Senpai was in.

--Why… are you sad?

Together with the cherry petals blowing against the window, I thought I heard someone's voice.

I don’t know, I answered quietly.

--I see, It’s your gift.

I choke up at that nostalgic, scornfully worded expression.

And when I realized that the voice belonged to the Takamura-san who lived inside of me -- I gasped.

I once again took a look around the club room.

I touch the desk, the window frame, the floor - all of it.

I traced the edges of window frame and bookshelves with my fingers.

--Isn’t it strange?

Everything is the same in here. It's been half a year since anyone came to this club room. And yet, there’s no dust, no stagnation in the air. And the strangest thing of all was that this black lily by the window-side that was in full bloom. How can this lily still be blooming when even the water in the pitcher dried up long ago?

When I realized this, my heart began to race so fast I could hear my heartbeat.

Could it be—

Could it be that in this room…?

No, in this school… is she still here?

Even though we can’t see her, is Senpai still here?

Something cold ran down my back.

I suddenly felt someone's eyes on me, and I turned around… to see the woman in the Beksiński poster on the wall… staring at me.

I shook my head, trying to shake off her gaze.

That’s when I found the notebook on the table.

It was written in Senpai’s handwriting, and titled: ‘Dictation -- or the research of texts or sequences of text whose meaning, when understood, can cause spiritual phenomena.’ As if drawn toward its long title, I touched the notebook, and at that moment, I was filled with terror. The notebook had the texture of human skin. I gulped, and sat down in the chair. In the light of the setting sun, I opened the notebook alone in the club room. There, in careful handwriting, were a series of words that made no sense at all.

『The inside of a mirror. The mirror’s bottom. What do you see in there? 』

『Why are you back? Why are you red? I'm lonely. It's so noisy. 』

『A black train. It's bright red. But it's fast. Because It's very fast. 』

It must be some sort of poem. I didn’t know what it meant, but when I read it, something felt distorted in the words inside. It felt as if a fire was burning in the back of my head, and I quickly turned the pages as I skimmed through it. But --- I stopped my fingers at a certain page. Therein was the ‘good luck charm’ that I had been made to chant repeatedly. And next to it, as an explanation perhaps, was a small note from Senpai.

--A taboo word that separates the subject from their guardian spirit.

That's what was written on there.

And at long last, I finally realized.

As I had thought, I really was being experimented on. Senpai had gathered the effects of these distorted words from countless books. The person who had stood between me and the world that I had been so afraid of, who had existed like a bulwark for me, was slowly disappearing at this moment. But I felt no hatred. Instead, what welled up in my heart was an inexplicable sorrow.

--- Kotodama* hide even more amazing potential.

--- The wasteful potential to clean humans who are garbage.

Cleaning…humans? Tilting my head in confusion, I turned to the next page, where I found a page filled with paragraphs of text. They were normal sentences, but the content within was anything but.

The story of how Senpai had a step-mother. Her step-mother, who didn’t cook her any dinner, only doted on her younger step-sister, what’s more, she was having an affair with the home tutor Senpai’s father had assigned her.

Of how her homeroom teacher, who committed suicide, was persistently trying to woo her despite having a wife and child.

Or how the third-year boy who had been after her tried to attack her after school.

And…

How a new life came to dwell within Senpai’s body.

Senpai bore a strong resemblance to her late mother, and in desiring that…her father -- her real father, kept visiting her room. He had crossed the line between parent and child since her middle school years.

Suddenly recalling Senpai’s words, I collapsed down on my knees. I almost threw up the bitterness that was bubbling up inside me, but somehow managed to hold it back in time.

Senpai was—

Senpai was not perceived as a daughter in her father’s eyes. She was the spitting image of her deceased mother. That drove her father mad, and made her the object of her step-mother’s envy. Senpai was never in the wrong – but, knowing that her mere presence distorted the world around her, she must have suffered for a long time.

I took deep breaths to calm my racing heart, which was on the verge of bursting – and managed to trace the words once more.

Let’s shift the distorted axis on which they stand a little further, is what Senpai wrote in the memo. Let’s replace the letters in their vision to taboo words. Little by little. Just a bit at a time. They will see it unconsciously, and it will remain as a seed in their heart. Eventually, the seed will sprout, and blossom. They’ll be swallowed by the weakness in their heart. Their minds will be buried by their negative consciousness. How easy it is to kill someone; all you have to do is change the direction of their mind just a tiny fraction. It’s fine if they normally turn their face away from what they don’t want to see. It’s fine if the pain of what they’ve trampled on always lies in wait besides them.

Senpai’s father, who poured his twisted love in her, fell down the stairs and broke his neck. Senpai’s tutor, who was having an affair with her step-mother, got caught in the wheel of a truck, turning into nothing more than pulverized meat. The homeroom teacher who was trying to woo her, slit his own throat with a kitchen knife, the resulting blood splatter reached all the way up to the ceiling. The male student who tried to assault her, jumped off the top of the school building, his head crushed deep back inside his body.

Right next to those grisly scenes, the image of Senpai, with her vacant eyes sprung to my mind. Thin as a paper doll, she stood lurched over with her dark, hollow eyes.

I snapped the notebook shut. Where am I? Who am I? I wanted to properly recognize that, so I opened the window. Sticking out my face, I pumped the spring air, full of life, into my lungs.

--There’s no doubt about it anymore.

Senpai killed people, and not just one or two. It was something that would remain hidden for eternity, as long as no one found this note. No, even if someone were to find it, who would believe such a thing? The idea of killing people through words. In this country, talking about ghost phenomenon is frowned upon. The occult is nothing more than children’s fairy tales, and it’s not even researched.

As I regained my breath, I looked down at the notebook again - and the moment I noticed the words inscribed on the back cover of the notebook, I got inexplicable goosebumps.

Those words, with an unknown addressee, concluded the book.

I don't remember how long I was there alone.

I just sat back in my chair, holding the notebook in my lap, dumbfounded. The wind blowing in from the window had turned cold, and it was now completely dark outside.

I stood up feeling dizzy, and closed the window.

And…as I was about to turn on the light switch—

I suddenly heard someone’s voice close to my ear.

In a panic, I switched the light switch on.

However, the room remained dark as the fluorescent lights remained off. Despite this, I kept flipping the switch on and off again and again with my trembling fingers.

In the darkness, that voice continued to whisper in my ear.

--Humans are the embodiment of malice.

Those…were words Senpai once spoke.

The voice continued to echo around me as I kept clicking the switch.

“It’s best to be suspicious of what appears to be good at first glance.”

“People only act according to their interests, and they can be perverted in any way by their interests.”

“Sinful acts were unavoidable -- is how they justify it afterwards.”

“They pretend not to see the things they trample underneath.”

“Religion, music, novels, movies, paintings...”

“It’s all a business.”

“They're not there as a piece of a dream…”

“They only serve as a gateway for someone’s profit through the economy.”

“The only way to break free of this twisted world – is to erase the body.”

Senpai’s countless remarks replayed in my head like a chorus.

Or so I was trying to believe.

--Everything in this world is a lie.

The black miasma that fills the club room almost engulfs me.

I continued to feel someone's eyes on me. That gaze was right behind me. I was alone in the room, of course. But there was someone standing right behind me. A nostalgic tall figure stood there. But it wasn’t the person I knew anymore.

--I’m scared. But it was useless to try and run away. I somehow knew that if I ran, I would be chased for the rest of my life. It was already there. Senpai had strongly rooted herself inside me.

I balance my heart.

I catch my breath.

I put strength in my stomach.

“I—”

I can’t show any weakness. If I do, I’ll be taken over. I’ll be swallowed up by the bottomless darkness that was closing in right behind me.

“I think it’s not just malice.”

It took all I had to spout out those words.

“Because Senpai, you—”

Unbeknownst, tears had started to flow from my eyes.

“You told me to forget everything, didn’t you?!”

The person known as Ayana Takamura, knew where she stood. She knew where she stood, and she probably knew that she was in the wrong place. Yet, she remained there helplessly. She stood there, alone and isolated, wanting someone to understand her. She just wanted a person who could see things the same way she saw them. She had been searching for a long time, but she couldn’t find anyone who could stand there. No – she finally learned that she couldn’t let them stand there. That’s why she told me to forget everything.

What should I do? Senpai had disappeared. She ended up vanishing. In all likelihood, she was no longer a living being. How should I confront this thing that used to be Senpai from here on?

I found myself standing under the lights which had switched on—

I took out a plastic garbage bag from the cupboard, then threw the notebook inside, and the vase along with the black lily into it. I then ripped the poster off the wall while doing my best not to look at it, and threw that into the bag as well. I put the tea kettle in there, and everything that had a trace of Senpai’s presence. I thoroughly cleaned everywhere in the club room as if I were trying to erase all traces and signs, everything of the other world that Senpai was engulfed in.

I have to start over again. The only way to get rid of these inescapable thoughts is to overwrite them. This club, this school, must be reborn as an origin of hope. From now on -- I must face the monsters as myself. I must walk the depths of the other world with my body firmly tied to this world.

From here on, I must bear the abyss of the other world* -- for the rest of my life.

*TL/N: Ikaigabuchi, the name of the website she creates.

After using up all my strength to clean the club room, I ran outside.

Under the setting sun, I rushed away from the school without looking back.

Under a clear, blue sky—

White smoke billowed from the incinerator up to the heavens.

Early next morning, I arrived at school before classes started, visited the club room again, and threw away the functional bookshelf. In its place, I set up an old bookshelf that was abandoned behind the library. I swapped all the books as well. I swapped all the curtains, the slippers, and everything else with things I had brought from home. I carried out all of the things with a strong trace of Senpai one after another, and brought them to the front of the incinerator on a cart. One by one, I threw them into the fire.

--Let’s disband the literature club. But if that's all that’s done, the club room will come back to life again when kids who are interested in literature appear. So, I should close the club and start a new one here at the same time by borrowing the name of my friends. A club that will put off any ordinary students wanting to join – That’s right, a club that gives the impression of being too complex to join would be good. How about something like ‘Journalism Research Society’?

(-- Constantly updating information, is that your gift?)

I hear Senpai chuckling under her breath in the blowing wind.

I ignore her voice.

Pretending not to hear anything, I throw the black lily in the fire.

(-- But… it will betray you someday.)

As I listened to that voice in the wind---

I took out that photo from the plastic bag, and put it into the incinerator while trying not to look at it.

It was instantly engulfed in the fire. In the churning orange flames, the polaroid photograph crumpled as it writhed in the heat.

“……..Goodbye……..Senpai……”

I heard my voice mixed in with the sobs, as if it were someone else’s. In the midst of the blurred and crumbling scene -- Senpai was still smiling gently.