Case 00: Chapter One (3)

It was a proper Japanese name that began with M. However, it felt like it was a name that I shouldn’t use as someone who was dead. I don’t know why that was. It was an indescribable fear, as if calling her by her name would drag M to the world on my side. That’s why, I decided to call her using the first letter of her name.

M took me (who was now a frog) with her whenever and wherever she went. She’d attach me to her bag when she went to elementary school, and when she returned home, she would take me off of her bag and place me neatly in a sitting position on the desk right in front of her.

M was quite a talkative girl. However, she always took her time before she spoke, so her timing was a little slow for the surrounding conversations. At any rate, in this quick-witted household, she stood out. She didn't seem to mind it, but from time to time, she would get impatient, and at times like that, M would talk straight to me in her room, telling me what she really wanted to say. That was a happy time for me as well.

My words didn’t reach M, but as if understanding the timing of my response, she spoke with me after taking pauses in between. She would talk to me about small troubles she would have at school, small complaints she couldn’t make to her elder sister or her parents. And I, of course, gave her my advice. Naturally, my voice didn’t reach her, but even so, I earnestly listened to her and supported her. In response, M would smile, as if she had calmed down a bit. She would sometimes say, “Thank you”.

M was presently in the first grade of elementary school, and had a good friend in class who had the name “Kii-chan”. Kii-chan (whose real name I knew, but for the aforementioned reasons, will refer to her pet name) was a bright and cheerful child who took the initiative in leading the somewhat introverted M to places here and there. Her house seemed to be close-by, and she always came to M’s house to take her to school with her.

For example, the day after I had turned into the stuffed frog.

“M-chan! Good afternoon!”

On that morning, I heard Kii-chan’s lively voice, M’s mother came to the front door to greet her.

“Good morning, Kii-chan. Thank you for always. M will be down soon.”

They exchanged greetings, M asked her sister if she had forgotten anything, as she descended the stairs looking worried about various things. Of course, I as a frog, was securely fastened to the edge of her school bag as I swung back and forth.

“Good morning, Kii-chan--”

“Good morning, M-chan! …Ah, what’s that?”

With a sharp eye, Kii-chan noticed me and asked that.

“Onee-chan gave it to me as a present.”

“Woww—That’s great! It’s got a goofy face, but it sure is cute.”

“I haven’t named it yet, so, it’s Mr. Frog for now.”

“I see. Nice to meet you, Mr. Frog.”

--Nice to meet you too, Kii-chan.

After I finished greeting her, the two of them set out together as they walked towards their elementary school, and started talking about silly things along the way. About shows they watched last night on the television, or whether they had done their homework. Kii-chan was mostly leading the conversation, but when M would occasionally try to speak, Kii-chan would cease her machine gun-like talk for a moment, and lend an ear to M’s words until she finished speaking. As I saw that part of Kii-chan, I was convinced that this was the reason why M was so open to her.

“Did you know △△-Sensei is getting married soon?”

As the number of elementary school students with school bags increased on the path to school, Kii-chan changed the topic.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, I heard she’s getting married next spring, and I heard her boyfriend is really good-looking.”

“Is that so? That’s great.”

“She looks really happy these days--”

I listened to their carefree conversation, as I gazed at the town from the corner of the bag. The townscape that flowed with the slow pace of an elementary schooler was quite picturesque in its own way. Although I had seen this scenery countless times when I wandered alone, it was the first time since I died that I saw the power lines, the fences of old homes, and the thick, lush flowering dogwood that peeped out from them. The sky too was sunny and clear, the summer air was hot as expected, but it was also pleasant.

--Ah, I thought I stopped feeling anything for the scenery, the temperature, the blueness of the sky, but that wasn’t the case. Was it all the work of a relaxed mind? Does that mean that the heart can still be moved even after death?

I glanced at M happily trotting along, and I felt deeply grateful.

It was all thanks to meeting this girl. I was finally able to breathe easy since I started freeloading in this girl’s house. If I had stayed like that on the street in front of the station, I might have ended up mushed, dissolved and scattered away sooner or later. No, I might have ended up as the type that curses passersby without a reason, the one that becomes a rumored urban legend and ends up exorcised by some medium.

No, no, no. What was I thinking?

Aren’t things A-okay like this? No, that was completely wrong. I couldn’t stay in M’s house forever. I had to die properly, and go to Nirvana. But I was stumped as to how to do that up until now, not having a clue on how to achieve that.

“By the way.”

Around the time the elementary school became visible, Kii-chan suddenly spoke with a hushed voice as she turned to M.

“Did you know there’s a boy who likes you, M-chan?”

“…Eh?”

“Ehehehe—So you didn’t know after all?”

“E, eh, who is it?”

“Well, should I say it out loud? But I was told to keep it a secret.”

Kii-chan happily teased her, but M looked at Kii-chan’s face in all seriousness. Looking at her face, I was struck.

“Yeah, I won’t say it after all. Because I promised to keep it a secret.”

“…So mean.”

M spoke somewhat annoyed – but that’s what I wanted to say as well. To stop at that point was mean, Kii-chan. If I were in M’s place having heard that far, I’d be unable to take in any of the day’s classes in my head.

“Ahaha, sorry, sorry. But I guess sooner or later, he’ll say it to you directly. Because that’s what he said. So look forward to it!”

“…Eh, being told that suddenly is embarrassing.”

“It’s fine if it’s embarrassing. You were born a beautiful woman, M-chan, so it can't be helped, can it?”

She spoke somewhat teasingly, but Ki-chan’s smile was sunny, as if wishing her luck from the bottom of her heart. Kii-chan soon started running after that, and M also started running as if chasing her. The two burst into laughter, as they swayed their bags while running to the elementary school.

(--Ah, this is nice.)

It was nice to live, to be able to fall in love and so on.

As I thought that kind of thing, I was violently tossed up and down together with the flute in the bag and other things.

Finding it unbearable, I slipped out of the frog for a moment. When I stepped outside for the first time in a long time, I was instantly engulfed with the gooey sensation of torment of crawling around in mud I had felt recently.

--Oh no.

I hurriedly chased after M, and returned once again to the frog swaying on her bag. Therein, I took a deep sigh of relief as I calmed my heart once more. It was the inside of the stuffed frog I had found unbearable and jumped out of just a second ago, but it was far better than being outside.

And – at that moment, I realized.

Just by getting out of the frog made my heart heavy.

I was enveloped in a feeling of despair, as if I was adrift alone in the endless sea of night.

--I see, could it be that for a ghost, to possess something might be…

A feeling of finding a small piece of wood while drifting in the never-ending sea. What I felt just now was a very strong feeling of forlornness. A feeling of despair, as if just walking was enough to crush me with negative emotions. What it all comes down to is -- That humans, whether dead or alive, might be beings that can’t stay alone.

A few days had passed by since then. Having not much else to do, my days were mostly spent observing the family.

For example, M’s father was, to put it briefly, a person with a strong heart.

No, the feeling I got was that he strove to keep his heart extremely balanced. When he came back from work, he was exhausted to an extent. However, the moment he opened the front door, he would always take a deep breath and smiled. He knew his smile would have a positive influence on his family. He seemed determined not to bring an ounce of the detestable things that ate away at him in the outside world back into his home. When I discovered that, I started to think what a cool guy he was. I felt the greatness of a person who was protecting something in the way he loosened his tie while his two daughters were clinging to him. Although he seemed to be a relatively accomplished businessman, he may not have been suited for such a job. Because on Sundays, he’d spend a large amount of time looking at magazines on model ships, and if there was an article on the sea in the newspaper, he would stare at it in a daze for who knows how long. It was a sad gaze, as if he had given up on something in the past, and yet at the same time, a gaze that suggested he still had something smoldering inside him somewhere. And despite that, when his daughters were in front of him, his face would return to being that of a father. The transition between the two was splendid, and I felt the strength in his graceful heart.

The mother was a truly cheerful person who loved jokes. She was the sociable sort, and her individual movements were energetic, as if she had done played sports for a long time. She was still a beauty, and I thought she might have been quite popular when she was younger. Her hobby seemed to be being a tennis mom, and she often organized meetings as the organizer. Was it because she worked at a friend’s accounting office? She arranged all her tasks in an orderly fashion, but – was unexpectedly careless in her character, she would put an empty beer bottle in the fridge, and there were times when she would give Leo food twice in succession. From what I saw, she liked being busy, and had a lot going on in her head, which made it difficult for her to keep up with the different processes, causing mistakes to crop up here and there. However, she wasn’t just a cheerful beauty. Her powers of observation were the keenest in the family – she was the most sensitive to changes in the physical and mental health of her family members. For example, when M was suffering from a headache in school, she returned home, back to her room and placed the bag there, and when she went downstairs to get some medicine, it would already be placed on the table. “How did you know?” M asked in amazement. “I’m your mother, after all.” She would answer with a smile like that of a sunflower. However, her unconscious intuition would be exhausting at times. When she would be alone, she would, at times, look depressed.

A(M’s elder sister who I won’t name due to the aforementioned reasons.) was a lively young girl in the first grade of high school. Since M was in her first year of elementary school, I calculated her to be 9 years older than M. She had played tennis since middle school and her grades were good, so she got into her current high school with a sports recommendation. She seemed to have been blessed with her mother’s bright cheery nature and athletic ability, and was quite popular at school among both boys and girls thanks to her club activities. She inherited the quick wit from both her parents, and seemed frustrated at times by the comparatively slow response of those around her, but was mature enough not to show it. However, she was troubled at her own clever nature, and was jealous at times of the innocent reactions her friends showed. Once late at night, she was in tears after a friend told her, “That’s why you got dumped.” Well, I didn’t pry too deeply into it… she was a girl of that age. She must be going through a lot.

The girl known as M who was surrounded by the three, was still only a first-year elementary school student, the purest of them all. She was the one closest to the dog Leo, and the one who diligently took care of the flowers in the garden. She was great at surmising the feelings of living things that couldn’t speak. That might have been the influence of spending a lot of time at home alone, due to the family environment of working parents and an older sister being who was often away from home for club activities. She was a child, who, as an individual life form, was in contact with all kinds of animals and plants. Her having detected my existence at first, might have been because of that disposition of hers.

But to ask her to be too accommodating was still too much.

For example, when I went out of the frog, M would sometimes glance at me. For an instance, I would be glad, “Oh, did you notice me?” But she would make an uneasy face. At times like that, I would panic and do my best to erase my existence. If I were to put it concretely, I would wish, “I am a stone”. That was the least considerate thing I could do in order to not break the peace I had now. I wanted M to acknowledge my existence one day, but it felt like everything would be destroyed if I tried to rush things.

That’s right – I was fine as “Mr. Frog” for now.

Just being by her side was good enough for me.